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March 14, 2010- "I'm Sorry" != Apology? I've noticed something recently that I don't quite understand (though I sort of do because like everyone I am guilty also). It seems people throw out apologies without actually expecting the person they're supposedly apologizing to…to actually accept it. For example, someone will say "I'm sorry" for whatever reason and when you say "I accept your apology" they will seem surprised, maybe even flustered, as if you weren't actually supposed to accept it - as if it was merely a formality. Then sometimes comes some justifications for why they did what they did or said what they said, as if they need to "explain" and make you understand why they'd said they were sorry in the first place. And slowly it becomes a justification, almost bordering blame shifting, and the apology aspect soon becomes null and void. What I think the problem is, and why they may seem surprised or flustered, is because when someone accepts what I would say is a self-serving, half-hearted apology with the appearance of humility, an actual acceptance means their bluff has been called and that the other person is admitting yes you wronged me (though accepting the apology nullifies the wronging). This acceptance is a blow to the person giving the apology's pride because though their words admit their mistake, they've yet to admit it to their hearts genuinely. An acceptance, surprising or not, of this lackadaisical apology forces them to accept it genuinely - and a true heart acceptance of knowing you wronged someone leads to the following difficulty to someone that has problems holding onto their pride. Essentially the problem lies in the fact that I think we want to retain our pride while at the same time satisfying our internal moral compass' desire to seek restitution. Yet humbly apologizing and the retention of pride are mutually exclusive. You cannot truly apologize to someone and expect to maintain your pride…that makes a mockery of the apologetic process. To apologize means to make less of oneself, to forgo pride…essentially to let it die. A true apology, an honest "I'm sorry," doesn't hold onto one's pride, it doesn't seek justification or an explanation. It just is plan and simple action-oriented humility. What most people that try to get away with pride-holding apologies don't understand though is that this meek and humble form of apology is far superior and exhibits a much greater maturity and understanding of wisdom. All said, the person accepting the apology must accept it also; which by definition means they will not hold against the offending party the offense anymore…something we often are too prideful to do ourselves also. (These "holding onto offenses" is a strong contributor I think that makes people apprehensive about apologizing in the first place) We have a hard time forgetting it. This cannot be so for the apology and acceptance to be successful, complete with relationally restorative properties. If you are going to apologize…mean it. If you are going to accept the apology, you must mean it also and forgive the offense (How much more has the Father forgiven you...?) Lip service in this arena of conflict resolution does no one any good. |
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