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March 5, 2008 - Why those that date liberally put their friends and family in a difficult position Some people date more often than others. Some people marry the first person they date and some people marry the 20th person they date. It varies from person to person, and that's how life is. That said, the person that dates liberally does put their friends and family in a difficult position whether they're aware of it or not; for better or for worse. Why? The reason family and friends are put in a difficult position is because of this person they love and care about, their habit of dating liberally lends to said family and friends to remain reticent to embrace the "catch of the day" because they're not sure if this person will be around much longer, let alone engaged/married to, based on past circumstances. 
This apprehension is counter
though to what these friends and family want to do. Of course they want to be happy and encouraging to this person (the person who dates
liberally whom we'll now call Person A) about their newfound relationship, but it is very difficult though because they're not sure if
it's going to last. And based on past relationships, the probability gets lower each time, whether Person A likes it or not. Dating
reputations are unavoidable, for better or for worse. So from the friend's and family's perspective, right or wrong, why invest a
certain amount (obviously it is right to be at least courteous and friendly) into this new relationship that Person A has if their past
indicates it probably may not last? If Person A, whom you dearly love and care about, isn't themselves going to love and care (speculative,
but based on track record) about this new guy or girlfriend in time after they breakup, as they don't for their past guy or girlfriends, why should family
and friends? This may sound harsh, but when Person A looks honestly at their track record, they may understand why family and friends
aren't as quick to embrace the new girl or guy as much as Person A thinks they should (read below how I learned this firsthand). It's not an easy position for friends and family
to be in. This then begs the question when family and friends should feel comfortable (hopefully at some point eventually) to embrace
Person A's new relationship? Well the most obvious answer is when they're engaged, but that could be different for different situations.
I explain a little more the last section.
Is this fair? There may be many different reasons, reasons we could not possibly know, Person A dates liberally. Is it really fair then for Person A's new girl or guyfriend to face the repercussions of past circumstances they weren't involved in? Well no, but for Person A to ask that question means they're unwilling to accept, or are simply ignorant of, the consequences of their past dating habits, which are actually the cause of the reticence from family or friends…not the new girl or guy in particular (though they could be). This puts an added factor into the whole dating concept, especially concerning teenage and young adult dating where marriage is not a serious consideration (obviously high schoolers and most college kids have no concept of these "relational consequence" things). Dating merely for the "fun of it" may be indeed fun and provide a close companion, but the emotional and relational consequences are coming, again for better or for worse. Personal experience…sort of I haven't dated much myself. But in the one serious dating relationship I have had, I discovered this whole idea I'm talking about. At first when I began dating this girl (a wonderful girl mind you) my family seemed a bit apprehensive to embrace her (some more than others). This led me to feel confused, judgmental, and even angry. I mean how could my own family not be overjoyed, and show it to me and her, at my newfound joy? Well that was before I understood what I talked about in the two previous paragraphs. Though I had no track record of liberal dating in which they could appeal to, this girl, as great as she was, was not yet my fiancée. The scenario that we would not end up marrying each other was still in play, therefore my family held out an overload of affection for us and her because they didn't want to extend, rightly or wrongly, complete acceptance until they knew it was for life. Now I don't want to bash my family or anything because they've been great over the years with this issue for the most part, and the older I get and the farther I get into the relationship, the more I understand the caution/restriction they have and still exhibit. But I just want to make the point that often times we we're so focused on ourselves and our relationship that we're blinded by our emotions within the relationship and neglect to see that those around us that love us aren't being cold or apathetic at all. In fact it could be quite the opposite. They do indeed still love us and want to see us happy. Sometimes restrained acceptance is more loving than unconditional acceptance from relationship outsiders; for unconditional acceptance can lead to enablement that is eventually potentially destructive. Sure, this restraint could be because of a disagreement with the relationship (which |
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