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All my ever random thoughts - (Rinoa H.) 10/26/04 Dad,I suck at life. For real, I don't truly care about anything that I'm supposed to be moved by and care about, and I spend most of my efforts aiming for my own selfish gain. In relationships, I want non-Christian friends because I wanna be liked, because I'd feel better because I know that I should have them. I'm jealous of the awesome things you are doing in my friend's lives because you're using them, and not me. I'm insecure in the creation you've made me to be, and I often try to become something that I'm not because I think it's cooler or more prone to be liked than my natural self. And most of all, I don't really care about you. I want to be used, I want to be changed, and I want you. But past my wanna-be desires for your own glory and making much of you, I find that I often want that for me. When it comes to getting your work done, I often care less about it getting done as I do about you using me to do it. O what a wretch I am! Your truth is a foreign reality to my heart, as it so often hasn't gotten past my head. I see the lies I'm believing and am helpless and weak to move to live upon the truth. I love people out of my own selfish ambition and don't truly have a desire for them to see you so that they may know you. I love people who love me, and that's it. I'm learning the same things over and over again, often letting my emotions sway me from the depths to the heights in a moment. I have not let you be my everything. Therefore I'm drowning, because I don't have anything. I have not let you be my constant joy. Therefore I have no joy. I have not come to you, yourself, for peace. Therefore I'm full of confusion caught up in religion and earthly ways and desires without a stronghold of truth. I don't serve you with my whole heart, as I'm constantly giving it away in efforts to become who I think I should be. I don't wholly love you, nor do I love your children, much less your enemies. Yes, a statement that fills me with fear, but to be completely real, it's true. You are everything I want and that I desire to desire, but I realize again and again that I hardly know you. You know how needy, self absorbed, annoying, judging, and prideful I am. You know my gross distasteful motives for my every action, my every thought about a person, my wishes for destruction and inferiority upon even the closest of friends. You know that I suck at life. And in light of this, you call me. What God? Me? There must be some mistake. A great, majestic, all-knowing God has chosen me? I don't want to believe it. It's plain stinkin' hard to believe. But it's true. And I'm sure not gonna waste my life believing a lie. With nothing to offer you, no more than a knife in your back, you called me by name, and summoned me to bathe in your clean water and be reunited with you forever. You chose to be spit upon, to be despised, to suffer excruciating pain physically and emotionally, and to die a humiliating death, out of your genuine love for me. I hardly can fathom what pure, genuine love must feel like. You chose to pay all the costs to redeem me from a life of guilt, insecurity, and impossibilities. So as I kneel at your feet in honesty, being real, full of discouragement to inform you that I'm nothing short of a complete failure, you inform me that that's how it's meant to be. That I will always suck at life on my own. That I wasn't made to get there on my own. And you raise me from that pit of filth and despicableness and wash me in your own blood, purifying me from all my unrighteousness, and transforming me into a new creation. All that I am now is what you are making me to be, and no matter the journey to get there, I know in the end I will be purely beautiful, because I will be like you. Though you know my heart, my gross desires, my selfish motives, my shortcomings, I do not fear. For you also know the beautiful creation that you are making me to be. You know of my genuine desire to know you. You know of my sincere yearning to desire you more. You have forgotten my unrighteousness, and have taken me under your wing as your own. You have given me a gift more precious than anything I could find on earth, the gift of Jesus that did the impossible. You brought me to know true life. You brought me to know you. And though we were reunited in a single instant, it will take an entire lifetime to truly know you. Yet I stand with confidence on the mere promise that I am known and cherished 24/7, and that your work in me will never ever cease to stop transforming me into becoming more and more like you, growing to know your very heart more and more as we go. Let's rock this place Jesus : ) |
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