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Social Issues - Relational Stages, Part 2 (chart explanation) Relational Chart ) ***The levels and stages shown here are what I believe the major steps and connections you go through in a relationship. By no means are all the aspects of a relationship covered here and yes, some of the connections and relational stages are somewhat ambiguous. You may find yourself intermingling X’s across adjacent boxes from time to time because everyone’s experiences are different. Use your noggin when you find yourself in unfamiliar territory and chances are your conscience is right and your heart is wrong. I can’t stand the advice “Do what your heart says.” You’ll get yourself in a lot of trouble if you do just that. Relational Stages: Acquaintance -Completely superficial relationship with someone. Most feelings are totally based on physical attraction and causal, if that, conversation. You know little to nothing about the real person. One night stands with complete strangers are not advised. Friend -Ok, we’re getting somewhere. You’ve taken some time to get to know this person; their likes, dislikes, family, job, etc. Hanging out with them is a pleasant activity and you enjoy their conversation. A friend is a good thing to have. Close Friend -You have a vested interest in this person. Daily communication is not uncommon and you care about their welfare. You’re beginning to very much enjoy their company and they’re one of the first people you think of inviting to places. Best Friend -Friendship doesn’t get any better or closer than this. You’ve shared much and experienced a lot with this person by your side. If you ever were stranded on a desert island, you’d want this person to be with you. They’re they first person you tell your latest news to and they’re the last person you’d want to hurt. If ever there was someone to stand in front of a bullet for, this person is it. Relationship (Girlfriend/Boyfriend) -Ok, you’ve crossed the yellow line and entered into an exclusive relationship with this person. By now you’ve already shared some of your innermost feelings with them and the mutual romantic interest is full blown. You’ve also entered the obligatory stages of the relationship such as declaring to the world this person is your significant other and having dinner with her/his parents. Younger siblings tease you about your love interest and your elders nag you about when you’re gonna get married. A bittersweet stage most definitely. Engaged Couple -Though you haven’t passed the point of no return, you’ve declared to her/him that you love them and would like to spend the rest of your life with them. The connection you feel with this person is indescribable and the depth of your relationship is unlike any other you’ve experienced. Caution is advised because passions run rampant. Necessary sacrifice begins to manifest itself, especially when you have to go with her to pick out invitations and flower arrangements instead of watching the game. Married Couple -Whoa Nelly! So this is what it’s like. The two of you are now one. The red line has been joyfully crossed and there is no turning back. You’re on a drugless high now, fueled by endless love and devotion for this person. You’d do anything for them, even give your life. Enjoy the Honeymoon because even though life is great right now, the troubles and hardships that accompany it aren’t going to magically disappear. Parental Couple -So your seed has been passed to a new generation by now. You’ve created life with your spouse and have entered a brave new world in your relationship. No longer are you worried about just two lives. The responsibility factor has been upped ten fold. Just don’t come whining to me during the 3:30am feedings or the diaper changes. Remember, you signed up for this when you said “I do”. Connections: Superficial -Completely shallow, lacking any depth whatsoever. It’s all about physical attraction and don’t deceive yourself otherwise. There’s nothing wrong with Level 1 for everyone starts off in it, just try to get out of it a soon as possible because nobody likes a Shallow Steve. And guys remember, the first look is her fault, the second look is yours. And girls remember, you’ll attract the kind of guy you want to attract. Act superficial and wear shallow clothing, and you’ll attract that type of guy (don’t look so surprised at my audacity, you know I’m right). The guy that likes you for who you are more than the size of your waist or chest or hips, the color of your hair, the length of your skirt, the embroidery on your purse, the contrast of your lipstick? Well he’s a keeper (and you can tell the difference ladies. You’re smarter than you make yourselves out to be sometimes, don’t let insecurity beat out the real you). And guys, the girl that dresses attractively? She’s a keeper. The girl that dresses to attract? She’s not and will only cause you heartache. Friendship -*See above explanation. This connection requires more depth and you must be willing to know what’s going on in the life of a person when you enter a friendship. There are no obligations at this point and you get out of it what you put into it. You should be beginning to tell if this person was who you thought they were. Intellectual -By the time you become a friend with someone you’ll probably have gotten into an intellectual conversation or two. That’s a good sign at least depending on how they respond. These types of conversations will tell you a lot about someone; whether they’re close-minded or open, whether they live by blind faith, reasonable faith, or no faith at all. A person that thinks on their own and is a seeker of knowledge is a must to continue the relationship. They should understand the value of knowledge and have a respect for wisdom in applying correct knowledge. Don’t just pass this connection off as something nuclear scientists or theologians only have. It’s integral in any healthy relationship, and if two people aren’t in the same mindset (not necessarily the same intellectual level, but the same general mindset), the probability of disaster down the road increases exponentially. Emotional -Everyone has emotions and feelings no doubt. The key to this connection is to keep those emotions in check. No problem with expressing your feelings and sharing emotions with someone and in fact I encourage that. You just need to be wary of those emotions getting chaotically out of hand too early. Make sure you gauge how “emotional” the other person is so you can make the necessary adjustments to keep your relationship on track and pleasing. And again, don’t underestimate how crucial a part emotions play in a progressing relationship. Make sure you communicate clearly with a person as to quell any misinterpretation which can lead to great disaster with lingering effects. Non-romantic physical -This varies from person to person and I would not be surprised to see it X’ed under “acquaintance” and “friend” also. There's not any problem with being non-romantically physical with an acquatintance or friend, I just caution that the other person may or may not be on the same page as you as a result of the physical affection. And by “non-romantic physical” I mean common things like hugs, heartfelt embraces, kisses on the cheek, back scratches, things of the nature that you’d have no problem doing with a sibling. To surpass this at an early relational stage starts a car that most likely you will not want to turn off and keep in the garage. Just be careful. Thinly spiritual -By this point you’ve also probably talked about thinly spiritual things. I’m not talking about “religious” things per se, but you’ve probably discovered if this person believes in some sort of higher being, after life, aliens, paranormal, etc. This is an important level of connection because it can be the beginning of a powerful fusion between two people or could also be the beginning of a major fault line, threatening to earthquake at a later part in the relationship. Deeply emotional -If you’re getting deeply emotional with someone, you’re pretty far in your relationship with them. Though I don’t think it necessarily means you’re in an exclusive bf/gf relationship, you’re pretty close. It’s obvious by now you have strong feelings for each other and that this person is well worth your emotional effort. Be careful though, because although getting deeply emotional with someone can be extremely fulfilling, it baits strong passionate feelings in the right (or should I say wrong) environment that could lead to disaster. Take note also that becoming deeply emotional with someone will alter your priorities and cause you to think a lot about that person and their welfare. Just know what you’re in for. Romantic emotional -Ok, you’re definitely a “couple” now. Watch out, because words like “love” may begin to get thrown around a little, don't treat it lightly. Romantic emotion invites new feelings and affections into the mix. Things like anniversaries and Valentines will surface often in a romantic emotional relationship. You’re exclusive now remember, so “dating” other persons isn’t an option anymore. You may have to deal with some justified/unjustified jealousy when you do hang out with persons of the opposite sex other than your sweetheart. Guys, if you forget to call her one night, watch out because she may hold a grudge. Yes, you’re in that deep. Non-sexual romantic physical -Talk about ambiguity! I’m not going to even try to classify every type of non-sexual romantic physical action out there. This varies from person to person and can involve things like passionate embracing, kissing (lips), and passionate kissing. Let me define though anything sexual being the moment when either one of you is “sexually” stimulated. Just because you’re not having intercourse doesn’t mean you’re not having sex. And clarify to any selfish ignorant out there, oral sex is sex period. It’s a heart issue really. And if there’s a single most level of connection in a relationship deserving of extreme caution, this is the one. You don’t want to know how many times I’ve heard, “Well it just started with an innocent kiss...” It always starts with an innocent kiss folks, and boom! you got a bastard child nine months later and your world is flipped upside down. Be careful when getting romantically physical with a gf/bf!!! Never assume you’ll be ok for pride cometh before the fall! It’s always better to ere on the “purity” side than the “passion” side. If a guy won’t love you because you won’t “give’m any”, @#$% him! If a girl is gonna leave you because you “won’t show her affection”, well so long chica, and don’t let the door smack you on the tushie! The reason I caution so much here is because I know if I don’t overreact like a crazy person on the safe side, I’m gonna fail miserably myself on the dangerous side; that is my nature and my inborn heart’s desire. And I don't want to hurt anyone... Deeply spiritual -When you get here, you get into the meat and potatoes of spirituality. “Religion” surfaces and names like Jesus, Muhanmmad, Budda, Yoga,Wicca, and Athiesm take center stage. It’s possible to skip this connection level altogether, but I advise against it because when you let yourself fall in love with someone, your desire is to see them find the truth about life, love, and why. If they reject the notion of discovering truth, you’re in for an emotional as well as spiritual downpour. I advise against getting deeply involved with someone that doesn’t share your beliefs, or at least have an inkling to hear what you have to say and at least give it some reasonable thought to see how it holds up with theirs. If you find yourself falling for someone with no spiritual capacity or a rejection thereof, you’re in for some major heartache later on. Like I said before, spirituality can either be the foundation your relationship is founded upon, or the dynamite that blows it apart. Choose wisely. In love -Ah c’est l’amour e. I can’t describe this romantic connection from experience but I imagine it’s a state of pure human relational bliss. I can’t imagine being so enamored with someone that you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with them; so taken by someone that every waking moment is spent thinking about them, desiring their presence, and longing for their touch. I question people that claim to have fallen in love more than once. I think it is so uniquely wonderful that I don’t believe its something that can be shared with more than one person. If you find yourself falling in love more than once, I don’t think you really have any idea what true romantic love really is and I pity you. Unified -Well that’s it, you are no longer one person, and you are now a combo. Two flesh have now become one and that ring you two are wearing is worn for a reason, symbolizing unity. Be a good chap and chappette and don’t break something that wasn’t supposed to be broken. What God has brought together, let no man, let not poverty, let not anything break it apart while you still have breath in you. Love manifested -Well here it is folks, the ultimate expression of love. Sure you could do it before you’re married, but what’s the point? If you’re not married, you obviously don’t truly love the person as shown by your lack of life commitment and you’re obviously doing it for selfish reasons whether it be insecurity, lust, or social status. This is the point where those indwelling feelings of love can finally manifest themselves in a guilt-free, optimized pleasure setting. I’ve never met a married couple that said they wished they had sex before they were married, but I’ve met a plenty wishing they had waited. Does that say anything to you about marriage and sex? It should. If you haven’t waited, it’s not too late to change your heart and actions on the issue. Believe me your future spouse is worth it, aren’t they? I think so. Sexual romantic physical- *See above explanation. This is the point where it’s a sexual free-for-all. Do whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as many times as you want. Your married sexual life is your own but believe me, if you hold back your sexual feelings for that person until you get married, your marriage, your spouse, your conscience, your kids, and your future will be better off for it. I don’t respect people that hold off because of “religious” reasons or even “fearful” reasons. Those people have no depth and are just robots. Look at all the positives and negatives and think for yourself why it’s a good idea to wait. I highly doubt your logic and your conscience will steer you wrong. Never tell your kid they were an accident though, even if they were an accident. Creating life -Well that’s basically what you’re doing. It’s not too hard though, so don’t pat yourself on the back for doing it because anybody can. Being a parent doesn’t take much, being a good parent does. You have a lot of work ahead of you though if you do have kids, but the rewards will probably outweigh trials in the end. It seems making kids is the “thing to do” since humans came on the scene so a lot have already been there. Seek advice and counsel on how to do it right. Humility will go a long way in this world. *The yellow line represents a big step in the relationship. It signifies that you’re exclusively interested in this one person. It by no means “locks” you in, but you’ve definitely dedicated a lot of time, money (in the guy’s case), emotion, thought, and friendship so far. The reason I put the yellow line in is because I want you to know that when you pass into the “girlfriend/boyfriend” stage, you have a lot more to lose than if you had stayed in the “just friends” stage, even if best friends. The yellow line is a cautionary marker telling you to be very careful from this point on and to realize that if it doesn’t work out between you two, you most likely will have to deal with much emotion that you’ll probably wish you hadn’t. **The red line is The Point Of No Return line. At this point you’ve married the person and I don’t care what you say, what she/he says, or what the demon inside him/her says, you cannot divorce this person (let’s not get into the marital unfaithfulness issue please). To divorce is to slap God in the face by violating the promise you made in front of him in public. Once you sign up for marriage, there’s no getting out. If you do, this guy loses all respect for you because it means you wussed out for selfish reasons. The red line is what it is, take it or leave it. I sure as heck hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into though by the time you cross that red line. This is what could happen if you make bad decisions in relationships. too true.... |
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